Rule Number 1 - The Senior Helldesk Operator Is Always Right
The person in charge of the Helldesk is always right (and wrong if he wants to be for amusement purposes).
Rule Number 2 - Never Admit That You Don’t Know The Answer
Rule Number 3 - The User Is A Puppet For You To Do With What You Wish
Don’t let them do anything without your telling them to do it and remember a puppet is not a clever creature so make your instructions clear and simple and don’t miss a step!
Rule Number 4 - Never Say Yes To A Question
If you feel yourself going to say yes, continue asking questions until the answer becomes no. Only when there are no more questions and the user is still bugging you should you say yes to get rid of them.
Rule Number 5 – It’s Always Someone Else’s Fault
Rule Number 6 - People Tend To Want To Know What Was Wrong
Rule Number 7 - Never Accept Responsibility For Your Own Mistakes
Rule Number 8 - Log Everything You Do On The Call Logging System
Rule Number 9 - Allways Update Your Call Logs
Rule Number 10 - Everything Is User Error
Rule Number 11 - Some Managers Think Sh!t Only Flows Downhill
Rule Number 12 – A Good Sense Of Humour Is Mandatory
Rule Number 13 – Don’t Argue With The Senior Helldesk Operator
Rule Number 14 - Only give vague timescales
Rule Number 15 - If You Ignore A Call Long Enough You Can Close It
Rule Number 16 - Never Believe A Word An EU Says
Don’t accuse them of lying to you (that’ll only cause you grief), instead open up a command prompt and run chkdsk/f. You can then tell the EU you are scanning the hard disk for errors, which will require the reboot that they haven’t done.
Rule Number 17 - The Answer Is Staring You In The Face
Rule Number 18 - Never miss an opportunity to wind someone up
Rule Number 19 - Keep Your Nose Out Of Things That Dont Concern You